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If you could change the size of any animal to keep as a pet, what would it be?

Sometimes I take these too seriously, it’s the truth. Like, sometimes I get asked a question like that, and I answer it as if it’s real but you just want me to say something quickly.

No! I want your most serious answers.

I want my pet to be soft. But all of the soft animals are already small. There’s no big soft animals out there. Like, my idea would be a woolly mammoth but they’re extinct. I have a puppy at the moment and she had an era where she could sit in a little swing and she’d just sit out there. And if I had a little swing with a soft, lovely little woolly mammoth with a little trunk [*trunk noises*] – that’d be just ideal, wouldn’t it? Do you feel perturbed that I chose an extinct animal?

I’m very pro-unleashing a bioweapon on to the world. Who would you swap bodies with, just for a day?

It’s interesting, isn’t it? Because you think you want a really hot boy’s body, because then you get to be really hot. But you’re only hot for a day. So obviously it’s much more fun to be a woman, because then I get to have a vagina. The things I would do with that vagina.

I don’t really know who I would say is a hot woman’s body. I just did the Abbie Chatfield podcast. She’s pretty hot. I’ll take her body and I’ll experience what it’s like to have a vagina – but not in a way that’s creepy. In a way that’s respectful. To Abbie Chatfield. Would you like to have a vagina for a day? No, it’s not your show.

What is the ideal length of men’s shorts?

On them, seven inches. On me, jeans.

What is the most chaotic thing that’s ever happened to you on stage?

I did the Scout Jamboree when I was like 22, which is when I was the most famous. I was on a show called Talkin’ ’Bout Your Generation; this is when people watched television. And I realised that the people at the Scout Jamboree are 12 to 14 years old, and then I had absolutely nothing to say. So I had to improvise 40 minutes in front of 10,000 children. It was an era where they were all wearing animal onesies. And I said, “Anyone in an animal onesie, stacks on me!”

I think probably 80 kids got on stage and jumped on me, and security was pulling them off. And it was great!

This year you brought back your podcast, now titled Josh Thomas and Friends and You. What is the best thing a friend has ever done for you?

The best thing a friend’s ever done for me …

[Silence]

Have my friends never done anything nice for me? Do I need new friends? Uh … eh … can’t think of one nice thing a friend’s ever done for me. I can’t think of one nice thing! They’re gonna be so mad.

What is the best thing you’ve done for a friend?

We went to New York. We were nominated for an International Emmy and I told everyone I’d take them out for breakfast. But I hired a white stretch limo and our own helicopter to take us around Manhattan. That was pretty fucking baller. I also went around New York and got all the best things from different bakeries and stuff. You don’t want to just have been spending money. You want the person to have scurried about town and completed thoughtful tasks.

What is the weirdest thing you have done for love?

Me and my boyfriend broke up for, like, five years, and then I wanted to get back together but we hadn’t spoken about it. Then my friend told him that I wanted to get back together and he texted me something about it. Instead of replying to him, I posted him this piece of wood that was very romantic from our relationship, and it just turned up at his house, and then we were back together. It’s weird, in such a high-stakes moment, to use mail.

It was a piece of wood that we had engraved. It said “Happiness forever, Thomas and Schmidt”, because both our names are Josh. It was from a fake proposal we did the first time we were together.

If you had to fight a famous person, who would it be? And who would win?

I just saw my publicist yawn.

She wants a controversial answer!

I wouldn’t physically fight anybody. Even if it was as a result of me making a commitment during the Guardian’s 10 Chaotic Questions, I would still decline to physically fight anybody. If I could physically fight someone, I’d go big: I’d go Harry Styles. Just because it’s so fucking funny to tell people that I’ve fought Harry Styles.

Or maybe … is Margaret Thatcher still alive?

What is your most controversial pop culture opinion?

I just don’t care about any pop culture, which actually does feel sincerely controversial. I really do not understand when I’m in front of my friends and they’re talking about celebrity couples. I don’t care about them and I don’t understand why we’re talking about them.

People get all caught up in Zendaya and whoever Zendaya is with, as if that has anything to do with our life. I don’t care about who wins the Oscar. I guess I was interested in Timothée Chalamet getting in so much trouble for being mean about the ballet and the opera! But that’s just because it was fun to watch someone humiliate themselves.

Everyone always mentions these things and that’s just not what I’m watching. On my phone I’m watching Engineering Marvels. Did you know we used to have a hovercraft that went from the UK to France, and it carried cars? It was so big.

Do you have a nemesis?

Tom Gleeson. We did Taskmaster and then he did 30 interviews about how much he hates me. And then I thought, I’m not gonna say anything about it. And then I got drunk today and did the Abbie Chatfield podcast, and I think I called him creepy. I think I called him a cunt maybe nine times.

  • Josh Thomas is performing his show Jiggle Jiggle at the Melbourne international comedy festival until 19 April, before touring Australia, US, UK and Europe until December